The Parenting gods Believe in Equality

One of the biggest lessons the universe teaches you when you have kids is realizing how little control you actually have over their behavior at any particular time. I know I judged parents prior to being one myself, they either had screaming little people in public or kids with faces buried in screens. I knew my kids would act better, without the aid of technology. 

If only we were always this angelic.

What I realize now is that we all get a turn. When my kid is having an absolute meltdown in public, it is our turn and sooner or later, we all get one. While its not a pleasant experience, and if there was a monetary value on guaranteeing it would never happen again I'd hand over all our money, its going to happen at some point. And, it will probably happen at the absolute worst time possible. 

I hope to appease the parenting gods by acknowledging when my little angels are acting appropriately, its more of a delightful twist of fate than a testament to my stellar parenting skills. I'm not saying we shouldn't encourage good behavior, but I am saying that just like adults, kids wake up grumpy and generally not in the mood for things and have even less control and fewer coping skills than we do. 

We were out to brunch a few weeks ago; Sunday brunch was one of my most favorite things pre-kids. It is something we still attempt every so often, but honestly it is not nearly as relaxing with two little people. We went to one of our favorite spots and ended up running in to several people we knew. It was a very rainy day so the normal outside seating wasn't available and everyone was trying to make due. Our kids had woken up in a super pleasant mood. The couple we ran in to that morning was having their turn. Their little girl was not being bad, she was just being an almost 2 year old. We chatted a bit and you could tell they were getting increasingly frustrated at having "that" kid. I jokingly thanked them for taking their turn and told them about hauling M out of a restaurant a few weeks earlier for even less appropriate behavior. I'm not sure it helped, but they seemed to relax a bit. 

So, to all the parents that cringe at the store as warning wails turn into full on screams, to the parent smiling (gritting their teeth) as they lovingly drag their screaming child out of church on Sunday, to the parent at pick up that decides its easier to just grab their screaming child and run for the door, thank you. I appreciate you taking your turn. And when its our turn, please shoot me a look that let's me know you understand that this is just a moment, it might be a really long and loud moment, but it will pass and soon it will be someone else's turn.

L was having a hard day, M was either trying to make it better or was seeing if she could push L over the edge. Sisters...

The Mellowing of Generations

One of the things I loved most about my childhood was the number of grandparent and grandparent-like people I had in my life. I had grandparents, great-grandparents and a handful of volunteer grandparents that provided all sorts of fun and influence. Today, I still have three grandparents that are mostly healthy and aware of what is going on around them. It is really amazing to watch my girls get to know them; four generations of one family going out to dinner tends to get noticed.

L and her great grandma headed off on an adventure, most likely to Steak 'n Shake to sip on milk shakes.

One of the bonuses of having so many older people involved in my life is that you experience a huge spectrum of attitudes and expectations. One set of grandparents thrived on spoiling my sister and I. My other grandparents were all business. We sat in the living room, legs crossed, wearing our shoes and answering questions politely. I remember Proper Grandma would allow you two nutter butter cookies if you ate all your dinner. Two, and only two, the cookies were stacked in the cookie jar in such a way that she could instantly tell you ate three. Growing up, I know I preferred going to visit the grandma that let me drink Jell-O (you didn't even need to wait for it to solidify). Looking back, I know both experiences were good for me. 

I travel back to my hometown once a week for work. One of my girls goes with me each week to get some grandparent and great-grandparent time. Driving back the other night I was marveling to my father at how much Proper Grandma has mellowed out over time, I guess being 94 will do that to you. We had just left a restaurant where M acted slightly better than a caged wild animal. She ate some of her dinner, ran a muck through the thankfully nearly empty restaurant and discovered she is now strong enough to open push open doors.

I text this to my husband and his reply was "She's no longer contained."

My grandma seemed fairly un-phased by the entire situation. I still have the impression that if I had acted like that when was her age, I probably would not be here today. The freshness and cuddliness of M seems to make up for a variety of transgressions. I think back to my strictly enforced two cookie maximum rule and wonder how I can possibly be arguing with the same woman over why M can't just have a few M&Ms when she is adamantly refusing to do anything other than lay on the floor in a boneless heap of toddler angst.  

I'm glad she has mellowed. I'm almost 100% positive I would be a nervous mess every time I had my kids around my grandma if she still held her previous standards. I enjoy watching her soak up the hugs, kisses and snuggles that are offered to her. 

I'm not going to lie, L & M both have deceivingly angelic faces that cause almost everyone to forget they just smeared chocolate on your favorite white sweater or "accidentally" used the permanent marker on your new pillow(s). I know they provide the highlight of my grandparent's week, even if the highlight involves some actual highlighters on a family heirloom. The wonder of great grandparents is that they provide a never ending source of unconditional positive regard which is something every kid should have and every parent should be reminded of. 

Slow Sloth Steps

When we found out we were having a baby I made one of those ridiculous mental declarations, the kind you know are so outlandish you dare not say them out loud or else everyone would remind you later of what you had declared. I mentally declared I would be a cool, relaxed, non-anxious mom that just went with things. Basically, I would have a child and do a complete 180 in personality all at the same time. That's how major change normally affects people, right? Our natural tendencies just give way and we become zen...poof, done.

Five years and now two kids later, turns out I'm still kind of bossy, a bit of a control freak, and have less patience than my three year old. But, if my friends and family wanted a zen, centered, peaceful goddess they most certainly would not be friends with me. Either that or I'm the friend that everyone uses as a baseline and I'm ok with that, we all have our purposes in life.

Sometimes, while tallying defeats, it is important to acknowledge a win. It may not be the win I was hoping for, but its a win none the less. (Something else that hasn't changed since having kids is my inability to set realistic goals for myself). Regardless, this one was pointed out with such complete and utter astonishment that I can't deny it.

We had a routine on Friday nights, the girls had swim lessons then we would meet up with a friend and go out to eat. Some how this single man honestly enjoys eating dinner in public with two small children. Around the holidays we fell out of our routine. Just a few weeks ago we met for dinner to catch up. About half way though dinner he literally exclaimed "Oh my god, I can't believe how well M is eating! I've never seen her eat this much before!" M was eating chicken strips, AGAIN, but she was eating them, all on her own. I'm fairly certain my husband and I hadn't recognize any change at all, but he was right, she was eating, without negotiations, bribery or coercion. 

This was a different meal, but it involved laughing and singing which I much prefer to sobbing and screaming. I'm not sure the surrounding tables enjoy either.

This isn't a huge win except it kind of is. M is still a ridiculous picky eater. Grandma stocks chicken nuggets at her house because even cheese quesadillas are out of the question, but we all buy different brands of nuggets so there is some variety in that, right? It is agonizingly slow, sloth-like steps, but there are steps being taken. She is walking, talking proof that you can live on chicken nuggets, pizza and fruit alone. I'm a little biased, but I think she's super smart too.

Just the other day I caught her stuffing Kleenex up her nose because it was "wunny." She has the same problem solving skills as the Office Manager at work and she's only three! She's obviously a genius, there must be something in those nuggets.

The Beach: Nature's Bathroom

Family vacations tend to encompass the highs and lows both child and adult behavior. The sentence stays the same while the inflection changes considerably as the vacation progresses:

• We have no schedule for FOUR DAYS!
• We have NO SCHEDULE for four days.

The proper inflection for the first example is optimism, no schedule, no rushing, no artificial alarms waking you up, four days of relaxing and just doing what you feel like doing. The inflection is correct for an adult vacation, provided you are with the right adults.

The proper inflection for the second example is exasperation; you have small kids that have no schedule, no consistent sleep, too much sugar and not enough boundaries for FOUR DAYS. You start wondering if you can enroll them in a preschool in Mexico, just for a few days. Disclaimer, this could just be me; I need a schedule, I need boxes and rules and tasks to check off or I get a little wonky. It could also be my kids seeing as they are 1/2 me. Either way, its probably my fault.

We were having a perfectly delightful-ish time on the beach, making memories as L would say. This is adorable. I should admit this also was short-hand for saying we were making some plaster molds given to M by one of my husband's co-workers for her birthday that were called "Ocean Memories." We were making memories, but it crushed my spirit a bit when I realized L meant "Ocean Memories" not "Life Time, my Parent's are the Best" memories. We had poured the plaster over the shell fragments we had collected and were waiting for it set up so we could take them home and hang them up.

My husband decided to run up to the cafe and grab us some food while we were waiting; perfect idea. As soon as he was out of ear shot, M announced she needed to go potty. No cell phone, no sea side toilets, can't leave our memories as people keep almost stepping on them and, if I'm completely honest, there's probably zero chance we will get to a toilet before she goes. Joys of potty training. "Just go Sweetie" I whisper, "It's ok, just go." L looks at me in horror as she hears me. "DID YOU JUST TELL HER TO PEE ON THE BEACH?" she gasps, loudly. L is looking with disgust at M who is now unsure if she really is supposed to be peeing on the beach, but regardless, its too late. M starts to cry. L is incredulous, "MOM, M IS PEEING ON THE BEACH." I panic just a bit.

I look at L and calmly explain that lots of animals and other things probably go potty on the beach, birds, crabs, etc. L is still obviously disgusted with what has transpired. I continue with the nature lesson because I'm a complete idiot. "L, Sweetie, you remember what parrot fish look like?" "Yep, big pretty fish and their mouth looks like a beak." 

"Yep, that's exactly correct. Parrot fish have those big beaks because they like to eat coral. Guess what happens when parrot fish eat coral?" L is completely focused on this conversation, she loves learning about ocean stuff. "What?" she asked. "They poop sand," I say. The look on this kid's face. She looks at me, she looks at the beach, she looks at her feet covered in sand. "This is all POOP??? GROSS!" It went downhill from there. 

First, I admit this might not have been the best way to divert the conversation, but you can't argue with how effective it was. Second, and most importantly, its true. While I'm sure parrot fish don't account for all the sand on the planet, they do eat coral and they do poop sand. Its science. Scientific American has a great short video on the whole process. Turns out parrot fish might have created the Maldives and could save them from the rising ocean levels, who knew?

https://www.scientificamerican.com/video/parrot-fish-poop-makes-beautiful-beaches/

Look at all that poop, ahem, sand on the beach!

A short while later my husband returned with our food. Luckily the girls had moved on from our poop conversation and didn't mention anything about me traumatizing them. Actually, L announced that M had peed on the beach, but that is to be expected of a big sister. I just smiled and said I had a story to tell him later. I shudder to think of the stories L's preschool teacher hears.

Eat, Starve or Buffet

I am an admitted travel snob but not in the normal way (of course, I'm a different kind of travel snob, making me even snobbier). I'm a big fan of traveling, I'm not really picky about where, I just want to GO. While I was pregnant with L I went though a fairly huge denial phase about how having a kid wouldn't really change my life that much, we would still travel, we would still go scuba diving, we would still eat out, etc. With one kid, especially one kid like L, that was pretty simple. We were "those people" that took their 5 month old to Roatan, Honduras on a dive trip. Then we were "those people" again 6 months later when we took her to Little Caymen on another dive trip. L had been out of the country twice before her first birthday.

M, on the other hand, just got her passport and she is three years old. Granted, leaving the country on vacation at three would hardly qualify as a hardship, but the second kid is the great destroyer of your illusions. In a good way of course. 

Back to my snobbery. I have long held the belief that all inclusive resorts are just a step above cruise ships (I maintain my disdain for cruise ships). Why go on vacation if you aren't going to experience the culture? Eat the local food? See how people there live? Really immerse yourself? WHY EVEN GO? You know why you go to an all inclusive? Kids. There are some legit other reasons, but all inclusives are especially well designed for children, tiny picky ones.

My husband and I went to an all inclusive with my work about 9 months ago. It was delightful. Four days and three nights of nothing but lounging, eating and sleeping. The entire time we were there I kept thinking, there are chicken nuggets available AT EVERY MEAL. There is mac and cheese EVERYWHERE. Suddenly we weren't faced with either stocking a kitchen at a hotel or finding kid friendly places to eat at least three times a day. Then it hit me, WE COULD GO ON VACATION AND HAVE FUN, WITH OUR KIDS.

So we are in Cancun at an all inclusive. My snobbiness is offended by every single part of that sentence. But, you know what? Its amazing. The beach is beautiful, the pools are kid friendly and fun. And the absolute most important part, the kids aren't picky here because their favorites are always available. We've eaten 3 out of 4 meals at the buffet but they've eaten without much complaint. There are desserts on display everywhere and, did you know, there is a resort rule that you must eat your dinner before you get dessert? Turns out there is a similar rule about eating before swimming. Weird rules for a resort, but we should not argue, or question.

There are other upsides, our kids played with some French speaking kids today. Turns out kids don't really care what language you speak as long as you bring some toys to build a sand castle or have water balloons. Also, turns out people that speak French are just as self conscious of their accent speaking English as I am of my accent speaking French. Their accent is way better than mine, for the record.

Give us a few more years and I hope we can go back to experiencing new countries outside of all inclusive resorts. I have plans to drag our kids just about everywhere, whether they like it or not. Its good for them, and I'm holding on to the delusion that my former life is just on hold. At some point we will pick up where we left off, but with two additional travel mates. Until then, buffet it is.