Have We Completely Messed Them Up Yet?

Becoming a parent, I believe, can rock the foundation of even the most confident of people. I remember leaving the hospital with L, my husband and I pondered that the only instructions we really received were "Don't shake the baby" and "This is how you put them in the car seat." Since I am a person predisposed to ridiculous anxiety and well versed in the unending game of "What If" I felt maybe more training should be required, or at least recommended.

There is so much potential in brand new people. I choose the worst possible way to deal with my questions and anxieties, I google things. Shockingly, the results are rarely accurate or curtail my anxieties. Often, it provides entirely new subject matters for me to worry about, and subsequently google.  Its a vicious and repetitious cycle. I remember being at my niece's fourth birthday, my brother in law made a fairly dark comment that somehow made me feel both better and worse. He commented that his daughter was old enough that she might start to remember things long term. Prior to this, he mused, she wouldn't even remember her parents if she was kidnapped or something happened to them. Dark, eh? All that time and effort you put in, countless sleepless nights and you wouldn't even be a memory if something happened. Yikes. At the same time, all that bumbling about will be forgotten!

Turns out, with Google, in addition to increasing your child's odds of needing long term psychotherapy, you can also increase your own.  Whether it be potty training, sleep training, food, day care, discipline styles, there are all sorts of ways to damage your children. If you turn to the internets, it doesn't matter which avenue you choose, they are all fundamentally wrong and harmful.

I've had a hard time with the day care/working mom situation. I had a predominantly stay at home mom, as did my husband. The efforts of balancing work and family were not really something I thought too much about prior to actually needing to confront them. I know I would be a horrible stay at home mom. I need structure and tasks that can be checked off a list. I need to see adults. It never really occurred to me I would stay at home. It also never occurred to me I would have a child literally cling to my neck sobbing as the daycare folks gently tried to disentangle her. I often feel torn and guilty, but I really think they are receiving better care and a wider variety of experiences than if I was keeping them at home. But you never know, What If..

As we trudged through our bedtime routine the other night, L was insistent she finish her "work." From the other room, I'm sure I sighed loudly, and walked out into the hall to see what this important project was. L & M had set up their own Office in the hallway, complete with a laptop and desk decorating fox toy. M had her baby in her lap and L was pointing things out to her on her laptop. I'm probably stretching here, but it made me feel a bit better. Maybe I'm modeling something they can improve upon with their kids. Maybe, just maybe, me working isn't going to be my major mistake, it will probably be food, but maybe I'm doing something kinda of right.

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